Belaaaated Mum’s Day post. This time it was almost entirely not my fault as we changed internet providers and somehow ended up without any internet for over two weeks! On a positive side we’ve got the next month of access free. Yay! 

For Father’s Day every year I make J a card with my favourite photos of him with the boys.

I adore them and have saved them all, starting from when Finn was brand new.

I love these little mosaics of our family’s adventures but I’m never in them. It’s fairly standard for loads of mums because we’re usually the ones with the camera. I could take more group selfies with the kids I suppose, but we all know how good my selfies are. So I don’t have many photos to remember us by, but I do have my diary. Many entries, written during snatched time between feeds/shits/etc, are even like snapshots. Of something funny, something I learned, emotions, milestones… everyday wonderful stuff. This is the first of a two-part post, and contains stories of some of my favourite memories with the boys. (By the way if you read some of these stories and think ‘bloody hell, she’s being a bit harsh, sharing that’, I’m of the opinion that embarrassing stories needn’t wait until the traditional 18th birthday party. Begin as you mean to go on, I say.)

A BOY AND A DOG.

After a swim in a friend’s pool I put 2 year old Rory into his hooded towel, then fetched his clothes. Looked over to see he’d pulled off the towel and was butt nekkid, gently laying the towel over the dog which was lying complacently in the grass. Awww, my heart melted. So I called everyone over and we all watched him patting the dog with huge smiles on our faces. Then when I finally managed to convince him the dog was nice and warm now and retrieved the towel to finish drying him he farted loudly in my hand and sent all the kids into hysterics.

IMPROVISATION.

Went to Boomerangs for a play today. Roars saw a sign on the wall and asked what it said. I told him it said “NO HANDS DOWN YOUR PANTS.”

GEEKERY.

Finn: I don’t think it’s fair that some people who have already seen Return of the Jedi are making me wait til tonight to watch it with them.

Me: Buddy, there were 3 years between Empire and Jedi, I’m pretty sure you can wait 3 hours. Remember what Ben and Yoda said to Luke about being patient? Being patient is part of learning to be a Jedi – don’t you want to be a Jedi?

Finn: No.

THINK FAST.

“Does Dad have skidmarks?” Quite taken aback at that question, and Justine was like WHAT?! Then I realised he’d said “Does that have skidmarks?” meaning the road. And yes, it did indeed have skidmarks.

COMMUNICATION.

Finny was sitting unusually quietly in the backseat so I asked him if anything was wrong. He said no, he was just doing some farts.

LAUGHING THROUGH THE VOMIT.

Rory shat on the driveway this morning. When Finn came in to tell me he almost sounded pleased. I thought perhaps Ro was running to the loo but didn’t quite make it? … No, he had time to stop and dack himself first. When I went out to clean it up Roars was running around it crowing I DID A POO!! and chortling with glee. There was one big and one little one; easily picked up, then gave the boys the lecture about yucky germs and using toilets, and sent them on their way. I didn’t realise he wasn’t wearing undies (better containment); either I didn’t check thoroughly enough for dingleberries or he continued crapping because for the next couple of hours he was sprinkling little turds through the house like foul smelling rose petals in his wake. I first found a piece o’ shit on the library floor, almost by stepping in it. Cleaned that up then found a nugget in the office and got that too. Then I was walking past the fridge and spotted a small brown cigar-shaped object and thought God damn it! How the hell did he get it so close to the wall? Then I looked closer and realised it was a piece of brown crayon, and laughed my arse off.

WHO PUT ME IN CHARGE

At swimming this morning I was about to *boop * Finn’s head with my foot when I realised he had shrunk. And his hair looked a bit redder. And he was in the wrong pool area. That is he was not Finn. Same rashie, similar hair and he looked just like him from the back. Phew! Pushing someone else’s child’s head into the pool with your foot – not cool.

CHUFFED.

Haircuts. For the first time EVER and completely unexpectedly, Rory didn’t yell!

He let them put the cape on him and sat still the whole time, despite water spritzes on his face, bits of hair in his eyes, even a blow dry at the end… he hates blowdryers! I was absolutely flabbergasted. My big boy!

PEACE KEEPERING.

Rory’s pretty chilled for the most part, but is quite capable of getting in a strop. Today at the gym a little girl who’d been in the crèche with him came up, pulled a face, tickle/poked him in the chest then bounced away cutely. Ro glared, said “I wanna punch her” and lunged. I had to hold him back, muttering ‘it’s all good mate, chill out, rise above it man.’ Later he showed his more nurturing side: “Guess what Mum? You bewful.”

TWINGES.

Finny lost his first tooth tonight! He is of course super excited, because his gap-toothed mates have told him all about the piles of cash coming from the Tooth Fairy. I however had one of those Mummy Moments where I realized my baby had passed another milestone and got something stuck in my eye. I brought out his baby canine, the one I’ve kept for the past 3 years, the one that got knocked clean out when he smacked his face on the kitchen bench that time. He was amazed at how big it was (and how much he might get for it) but I was amazed at how little it was. If I squint I can still see our toddler in there, but he’s fading away, and in his place is a soon-to-be 7 year old who loves sports and racecars and Star Wars.

I clearly remember imagining ahead to this time when a tooth would grow to fill that now familiar gap, and it seemed to stretch ahead forever. And now we’re here and looking back that time seems only a few heartbeats away.

MAGIC

Finny arrived just before the alarm this morning and climbed into our bed very upset. Eventually he told us that the tooth fairy hadn’t left him any money. Bullshit I said. Well, not out loud. But I’d made damn sure I snuck 5 bucks of coins into the cup last night, after first making off with the teeth. (I wanna keep ‘em! Psycho Mummy.) Told him to go and have a closer look, it’s probably dark in your room, I’m sure the Tooth Fairy didn’t forget, etc etc, and sure enough when he raced back with his loot clutched in his hand he was happy again.

CAUTION PARENTING: IN PROGRESS

Roars (In response to my exasperated sound at bumper to bumper traffic): It’s ok Mum, we’ll get there when we get there. … When Finn was his age and I made that noise he’d helpfully fill in “GODDAMMIT!”

PASSING ON OF WISDOM

At bedtime tonight we were reading Specky Magee when Finn abruptly got up and ran to the doorway. He turned around, grinning, then farted loudly with a perfectly timed arse flick. Then he ‘cut it off’ like I’d taught him and came back to bed, where I was laughing like a fool.

BONDING

Finished reading Specky Magee this morning. The bit where Specky and his dad reconciled was surprisingly moving, and to my dismay as I read it my voice wavered a little. I said to myself come on butch up, hold it together, you never would’ve sooked at this before you had kids and felt for yourself this exact same thing Specky and his dad are feeling right now… ohno… I was just surreptitiously checking that Finn hadn’t spotted me and was freaked out by Mum randomly breaking down when he announced tearfully, “I think I’m going to cry!”

Huh?

“I didn’t even know this could ever happen!” he wailed, as tears poured down his face. I laughed and hugged him and said “Me too!” and we laughed/cried together on the couch, a big pair of sooks. He’s an immersive reader… just like me! It’s not surprising; he’s always loved books. Even at 10 weeks old having a feed at 2 in the morning when I’d read to stay awake he’d be distracted and would reach over and scratch thoughtfully on the cover. If I hid it behind his head the little bugger would just twist himself around looking for it.

CONCERNING SOCIETY

Was talking to the boys about the possibility of a slumber party with their mates and Finn goes what’s a slumber party? I corrected myself and said I meant a sleepover, then Rory piped up and said a slumber party is where your friends come over and you put cucumber on your eyes. I asked him where he’d learned that and he answered “My Little Pony”.

HONESTY

Me: Okay who dropped their guts?

Finn: Not me.

Rory: Not me; I farted.

… I see quite a few of my favourites involve toilet humour; if you know me, that shouldn’t surprise you either. Besides, funny/gross stuff is all part and parcel of this parenting gig and it’s better to laugh than vomit.

– Michelle